You Know You Are Old | Why We Miss The Innocence of Youth
You Know You Are Old | Best Jokes
You Know You Are Old When | 40s
You know you are old when you stop growing at both ends and start growing in the middle.
You know you are old when you can cough, fart, sneeze and pee at the same time.
You know you are old when you got to second base with a TSA screener.
You know you are old when the only females who pursue you are mosquitoes.
You Know You Are Old When | 50s
You know you are old when you go to the beach and turn a wonderful color: Blue. It’s from holding your stomach in.
You know you are old when people tell you how good you look.
You know you are old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
You know you are old when the candles cost more than the cake.
You Know You Are Old When | 60s
You know you are old when you’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
You Know You Are Old When | 70s
You know you are 70 when you have a hard time locating the keys in your pocket and finding your cell phone when it rings, but you can find the snooze button from four feet away with your eyes closed.
You know you are old when the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling when your birthday candles are lit.
You Know You Are Old When | 80s
You know you are old when you write a note to yourself reminding you not to take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
You Know You Are Old When | 90s
You know you are old when people no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
You Know You Are Old When | 100s
You know
you are 100 years old when you see expensive antiques and you remember one just like it that you threw away.
You Know You Are Old When | Children
You know
you’re old when you start lying about your children’s ages.
You know you are old when you spot that first gray hair…on your kid.
You Know You Are Old When | Relationships
You know you are old when you still got it, but don’t know what to do with it.
You know you are old when you see a cute guy and start to calculate if you could be his mom.
You know you are old when you keep some people’s numbers just so you know not to answer.
You Know You Are Old When | Work
You Know You Are Old When | Sex
You know you are old when “Getting any?” means sleep.
You know you are old when the only thing that gets hard is arteries.
You know you are old when you can live without sex, but not your glasses.
You Know You Are Old When | Death
You know you are old when you don’t think about dying because it’s the last thing you want to do.
You know you are old when you live each day as it was your last. You’ll get it right someday.
You know you are old when you read the obituary to check on your friends.
You Know You Are Old When | Retirement
You know you are old when you say goodbye to tension and hello to pension.
You know you are old when you get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You Know You Are Old When | Memory
You know you are old when you speed because you don’t want to forget where you’re going.
You know you are old when you’ve been diagnosed with CRS: Can’t remember shit.
You know you are old when you stop searching for the meaning of life to focus on searching for your car keys.
You know you are old when you just smile and nod after asking, “What?You know you are old when you look down at your watch three consecutive times and still don’t know what time it is.
You know you are old when your secrets are safe with your friends…because they won’t remember them.
You know you are old when your brain cells are down to a manageable size.
You Know You Are Old When | Body
You know you are old when your eyes won’t get much worse.
You know you are old when you’re young at heart, but you can’t say the same for your other organs.
You know you are old when you don’t exercise because you don’t want to spill your coffee.
You know you’re old when it’s not men touching your boobs…it’s the carpet.
You know you are old when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet.
You know you are old when
your body changes and the only thing you occupy is the bathroom.
You know you are old when your joints are more accurate than the meteorologists.
You know you are old when your hips no longer set off the dance floor but the metal detectors.
You Know You Are Old When | Tired
You know you are old when Happy Hour is a nap.
You know you are old when you feel bad in the morning without staying out the night before.
You Know You Are Old | Food
You Know You Are Old | Driving
You know you are old when you no longer see
speed limits as challenges.
We Miss the Innocence of Youth
Here are is a collection of stories about why we love and miss the innocence of youth. The way children come to some conclusions is hilarious at best. As we go into
old age, it's hard to believe we were just like that at one time. Some say
youth is a disease, we know that's not always true!
Nudity:
When I was driving with my cousins and my little brother in the back seat, a
funny nude woman waved at us from a car. As I was recovering from my shock, my little 4-year-old brother said, “Sis, that lady forgot to put on her seatbelt.
A child was lost at the YMCA and wound up in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, everyone shrieked and told him to get out to which he replied, “Why are you scared? Haven’t you seen a boy before?”
Police:
While writing a report near an elementary school, a little girl came up to me and asked if I was an officer. I said I was. She said her mom said if she ever needed help to find an officer or
call the police. I told her that the mother was right.
“Well then,” she said extending her foot, “can you help me tie my shoe?”
It was the end of my shift and I parked my cruiser in front of the station. As I picked up my equipment and dog, a boy asked if that was my dog.
“Yes,” I said.
“What crime did he do?” the boy asked.
Elderly:
While working for a group that delivers meals to seniors, I decided to bring my 5-year-old niece. She was puzzled over the machines attached to the patients, the walkers, wheel chairs and canes they used. She spotted a pair of teeth in a jar. I prepared myself for the questions she would ask, but was surprised over her conclusion.
Dress Up:
A little girl was watching her parents get ready for a party. She walked up to her dad and said, “Dad, don’t wear that suit!”
“Why?” the father said.
“Because it always gives you a headache the next morning,” she said.
School:
On the first week of school a little boy brought the teacher his homework. On top on the homework was a post-it note that read THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED BY OUR SON DO NOT IN ANY WAY REFLECT THOSE OF US, THE PARENTS.
After the first week of school, our daughter had enough.
“I am quitting kindergarten!” she announced.
“Why?” we asked.
“I can’t read, I can’t write and the teacher won’t even let me talk!” she said.
Ketchup:
One day my aunt was struggling to get ketchup out of the bottle. She asked my cousin to answer the phone. My cousin picked up the phone and said, “My mom can’t come to the phone. She’s hitting the bottle.” Then my cousin hung up and went back to playing with his toys.
Religion:
A child opened up a Bible and a few pressed leaves fell out. The boy went running to his mother.
“What are they?” the mother asked.
“Isn’t it obvious? They’re Adam’s underwear!” the boy said.
You Know You Are Old When | Best Pictures
You know you are old when you realize old age doesn't last that long.
You know you are old when you can relate to the Seven Dwarfs of Old Age: Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Rocky, Saggy, Leaky, and Farty!
You know you are old when you have to buy super-sized alphabet soup.
