Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners

Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid that when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly that my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly that my mother had morning sickness.....AFTER I was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
15. I'm so ugly that I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
23. My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
24. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
25. Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
26. Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
27. For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
28. I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "
29. Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
30. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
31. I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
32. I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
33. At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
34. My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
35. My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
36. One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
37. One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
38. The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
39. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
40. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
41. My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
42. You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
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47. http://www.pagetutor.com/jokebreak/228.html
48. http://quotations.about.com/od/funnyquotes/a/rodney_danger1.htm